this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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