four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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