bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
