I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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