Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
