True but thats because hes a fetus.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
ttyl tear gas
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
