oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
