i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
