Who did Billy Mays play for?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
