Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
