what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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