Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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