I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
it's like iHOP with fire
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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