Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
