Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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