My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
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She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
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I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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