id be glad to
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
