Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
