Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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