dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Randomize
