Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
