I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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