Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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