if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
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Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
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I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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