He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
