I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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