Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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