Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The uberlube is also flammable
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
