Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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