i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
