A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So vagazzling was a success
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
