my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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