i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
i think my cat just said my name.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
