Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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