At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
