if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
