Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
