Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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