Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
