When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
