I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
