i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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