I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
