I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
