in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
