Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Everything about him screamed your future.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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