burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
