HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
