your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
