I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
