Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
