Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
