i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Randomize
