I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
