OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
