Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
someone owes me an orgasm
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
