And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
