so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Dicks are not precious.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
