he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
