When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
