So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
