So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
