The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Randomize
